I feel like I've been in purgatory for the past few years. I live in this in-between place working to finish school, waiting for funding to stabilize so I can have a promotion, and wishing my life was less hectic. This semester has been the hardest, so far. Two classes with one being very high maintenance. (That's code for "the professor is a dick.") Combine that with a very, very busy April and I am down to my last weekend with a 30 page paper to write and two days in which to finish it. M is taking the kids to my mom and dad's and I will stay at home and write a very mediocre paper.
I know the finish line is within sight. I know that this time next year, I will be finishing my last course and walking away with a Master's in HR, but I am so tired and missing some of the confidence that I had when I started. It was so much easier when I was in high school or even an undergrad. There were cheerleaders everywhere; parents, classmates, and teachers were all available to tell me I was smart and that I could do it. Now? Now I'm a mom, I work full time, and I am expected to have the inner fortitude to man-up and get it done. Grad school is an every-man-for-himself kind of place. Everyone works and everyone has a completely separate life outside of school. There are no cheerleaders, just professors that sort of care, but mostly they would like you to shut-up and just do the work.
People always say to me, "I don't know how you do it." I'm not sure that I'm really doing a very good job at work, home, or school. If you are willing to do everything kind of half-assed, you can appear to do whatever you want! My only other choice is to walk away, and I am way too close to being finished to really do that, although I fantasize about quitting school almost every day. I am ready to have my life back. I am ready to read books that aren't about employment law and dedicate more time to the Foundation. I miss my friends, online and IRL, and I am ready to stop feeling like I have been a terrible friend to many people that I care about. I am ready to just be a working mom instead of a working mom in school who must be crazy to do all of this.
If this really is my purgatory then I can only hold out hope that all of this torment will lead to heaven on the other side. A heaven with a promotion and time to spend with my family on the weekends. And wine. Heaven must have wine.