Thursday, April 28, 2011

Between Here and There


I feel like I've been in purgatory for the past few years.  I live in this in-between place working to finish school, waiting for funding to stabilize so I can have a promotion, and wishing my life was less hectic.  This semester has been the hardest, so far.  Two classes with one being very high maintenance.  (That's code for "the professor is a dick.")  Combine that with a very, very busy April and I am down to my last weekend with a 30 page paper to write and two days in which to finish it.  M is taking the kids to my mom and dad's and I will  stay at home and write a very mediocre paper. 

I know the finish line is within sight.  I know that this time next year, I will be finishing my last course and walking away with a Master's in HR, but I am so tired and missing some of the confidence that I had when I started.  It was so much easier when I was in high school or even an undergrad.  There were cheerleaders everywhere; parents, classmates, and teachers were all available to tell me I was smart and that I could do it.  Now?  Now I'm a mom, I work full time, and I am expected to have the inner fortitude to man-up and get it done.  Grad school is an every-man-for-himself kind of place.  Everyone works and everyone has a completely separate life outside of school.  There are no cheerleaders, just professors that sort of care, but mostly they would like you to shut-up and just do the work.

People always say to me, "I don't know how you do it."  I'm not sure that I'm really doing a very good job at work, home, or school.  If you are willing to do everything kind of half-assed, you can appear to do whatever you want!  My only other choice is to walk away, and I am way too close to being finished to really do that, although I fantasize about quitting school almost every day.  I am ready to have my life back.  I am ready to read books that aren't about employment law and dedicate more time to the Foundation.  I miss my friends, online and IRL, and I am ready to stop feeling like I have been a terrible friend to many people that I care about.  I am ready to just be a working mom instead of a working mom in school who must be crazy to do all of this.

If this really is my purgatory then I can only hold out hope that all of this torment will lead to heaven on the other side.  A heaven with a promotion and time to spend with my family on the weekends.  And wine.  Heaven must have wine.


  1. I'm sure heaven has wine. Especially since Jesus turned water into wine!

    Here's a cheer for you:
    2, 4, 6, 8
    Who do we appreciate?

    It's not very clever, but it's been a long time since I was in high school. : )

  2. Heaven most definitely has wine!

    Let's plan a wine date when this hooplah is over! FOR REAL! NO BABIES! I know there are some good wine places in your neck of the woods...

  3. Kate. YOu ARE amazing. You ARE doing a great job, whether it feels like it all the time or not. And you ARE a great friend. Mom. Wife etc.

    anytime you need cheering, let me know.

    **cheers**high jumps***scissor kicks***jazz hands*** ALL.FOR.YOU! :)

  4. In your cheering section! You are doing an amazing job juggling it all! Lots of JAZZ hands and super duper high fives for you! xoxo

  5. Pulling out my PomPoms just for you. Go Team Kate!

    Rah rah Ree, Kick um in the Knee! Rah Rah Ras, Kick um in the ..... Other Knee ;)

  6. i don't have a cheerleader body, but i'm totally in your cheering section :D and YES, heaven has wine!! if not, i don't wanna go.

    we all half-ass life. you're stronger than most people....another year of half-assing school & you'll be moving up in the world :D

    keep trucking along. it'll be worth it in the end.


  7. You are amazing and smart and beautiful! I'm cheering you on, girl!!!